Thursday, May 31, 2007

Already A Bad Day

It's only 8:30 in the morning and I feel stressed and tight inside. PMS is on her way if she doesn't already have one foot in the door.

We all went to bed early last night as the kids just came back from a vacation with their dad out of state. We all should have had plenty of sleep. When D curled up to me last night he asked if I was sure this is what I wanted, referring to LDD. I snuggled back against him and told him I was sure. I think we are both still feeling things out at this point to make sure we make as few mistakes as possible. I'm sure there will be many mistakes but we are reassuring each other that it's OK to move forward with this as we agreed.

To start the morning off I find my daughter has obligated herself to babysit for a friend of mine at our house. I work from home so the idea of having more people here after my hours are finished was really irritating for me. She is sitting for a friend and client so I felt that I should let her do it this time with a strong suggestion that next time she watch the kids in their own home. She is driving now so this is certainly the preferred option in the future.

The kids have 10 days of school left and then they will be home for the summer. I have mixed feelings about this...I love the kids and love having them around it's just hard while working at home. Now with my daughter driving I'm sure many trips over to the beach or the mall will be an option for them.

Breakfast this morning consists of dry cheerios and a bottle of water. Maybe not the most nutritious of breakfasts but it may help me drop the 12 lbs I gained back of the 50 I lost. And yet another thorn in my side this morning.

D has been promoted into a new position at work and will be working longer hours until he gets it running smoothly. Things will be a bit more strained here for a while I'm sure. He is worried about the new position but I told him they wouldn't have offered him the greater position of responsibility within the dept if they didn't think he would do a great job of it. I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. He is a spectacular police officer and a wonderful husband. I am lucky to have him.

I am not usually this stressed about things. I know when I wake up dreading work and life in general something is up. I have yet to receive a punishment spanking and do not aim to get myself into one if I can help it.

Last week I probably should have had one because there was something on my mind that needed confessing. I had received one of D's new credit card in the mail about 7-8 weeks ago...to replace one that was about to expire. I put it in my wallet instead of giving it to him. I used it twice... once to pay a bill that I let fall behind ( I didn't want him to see it come out of our bank account and realize that I'd let it go a month...fortunately not one that would report to our credit..it was our daughters orthodontist payment) and once when I took the kids to lunch. Bad decision I know. I shouldn't have held onto it. I should have given it to him immediately and instead I used it without his permission or knowledge that it ever came in the mail. So this past weekend on Saturday in particular I fretted over it all day long. We went to the movies, we came home, had dinner etc etc. I knew I had to tell him. We had agreed to this and I knew it was wrong for me not to hold up my end of the deal.

I am terrified of heights... I mean flat out terrified. My knees shake, my stomach knots, I sweat... I even cried once climbing the stairs to a really high water slide one year. That was the feeling I had about having to confess this to D. In the end I didn't have the guts to look him in eye and say it so when I went to get ready for bed I set the credit card on his desk. I'm sure I was trembling waiting for him to come to bed. He sat as the desk for a moment and then he saw it. He looked at me and my stomach fell to the floor. He stood up and went to take his belt from his pants and I'm sure the earth tipped and shifted...then he dropped the belt onto the floor. When he walked over to the bed I burst into horrible tears. His plan wasn't to spank me... he told me that because it had happened before our agreement to begin LDD that he would let it slide and not hold me accountable for things done in the past. I don't think I have ever been more relieved in my life. I was certainly expecting a spanking and a nasty one.

I do appreciate his mercy and his forgiveness in this. I know that some women would be disappointed for not being punished but I am one that was very grateful and very determined to watch my p's and q's. I am not sure if we will incorporate maintenance spanking into our relationship. It actually hasn't come up yet. I don't know how he feels about it. I am sure after he reads this post that we will have some words to discuss tonight about whether we think that is something we want to start doing.

It's time for me to get to work. I have two days of catching up to do for work accounting junk... D reminded me two nights ago before bed and I forgot to finish it that evening and forgot completely yesterday. Fortunately two days is a whole lot easier to catch up with than 6 weeks or whatever. That was rough.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

A History

My husband , D, and I have been a couple just over 8 years. He suggested that the first post should be a history in case anyone else decides they'd like to read this. :) This blog journal is primarily though for him. A guess a window of sorts into how I feel about this new way we have of living and loving each other. We are both very very new to this but feel this is the relationship we have been working towards for many years now.

If you are unsure of what Loving Domestic Discipline is please refer to the following link:
http://lovingdd.blogspot.com/.

I don't know if we are similar to other couples as far as coming from a BDSM background in our lives, but that is sort of what started our relationship. We didn't meet online, but through a situation where I had been assaulted by my next door neighbor and D was one of the arresting officers.

I was in the middle of my second marriage. I had managed to tear my first marriage to my children's father apart after 4 years and was fast on my way to tearing down my second marriage. I was really good at throwing major fits, yelling, screaming, taunting, baiting, even kicking a hole in the hallway wall once while married to my first husband. Thankfully we are now great friends who are both happily married again and our spouses really get along great as well, this I think is why our children, all teens, are so normal and well adjusted. We agreed to get along for their sake and now the four of us have a true strong friendship, even spending occasional holidays together as a big family. Almost 20 years can make such a difference in someone's maturity level (mine of course).

I had no idea what was wrong with me as a wife. I couldn't control my anger and frustration. I had no idea then that I just really needed someone to take control and set me straight. Both my first and second husbands were runners. At the sight of a brewing they would run to work, out, wherever. Can't say as though I blame them.

Midway through my second marriage that lasted all of 2 years I discovered BDSM chatrooms online. I finally had a hint of an idea of what I was looking for. I quickly found an online "Master" who inconveniently lived over 3000 miles away. Not the ideal situation. During this year I managed to see D again. We talked a lot, had coffee, talked a lot about BDSM, hey he wore black leather and carried handcuffs for goodness sake, how could a girl resist. :) And then I began my next affair. Within 2 months my husband caught on and left me. Can't say as I blame him for that either. I would have done the same.

D and I began to date. Within the first year of dating it started all over again. My fits, my brattiness, my irrational behavior, etc. I remember one time he got so fed up at my bratting that he took his belt and spanked me, I calmed down immediately (we didn't catch on LOL). We had particpated in erotic spanking as part of our BDSM play but the idea of incorporating it in our everyday life really hadn't occured to either of us.... playing Master/slave... 24/7 was just too overwhelming for two people who had three teens, didn't live together (well we tried for 2 months but I ruined that too), two careers, etc.

After dating for 2 years I became a Christian. D and I stopped dating for about 6 months and then he also became a Christian. A year later we were married. Despite all the craziness of my behavior I had never been able to "run him off". He still loved me and I still very much loved him, if for anything the fact that he never stopped loving me and came back each time I was horrible to him. Makes you wonder which one of us has the wacky behavior that needs to be adjusted. I don't know if I could have been as strong as he was through all of this. Becoming a disciple of Christ made so much of a difference in both of us. There were some radical changes in me, I believe, that enabled D and I to trust enough to get married.

Unfortunately the fits of rage started to slip through again and often. The disrespect of my husband ran rampant through my household. I would eye roll, curse, bad mouth him to my friends, family and even my children if they happened to witness an argument, literally question EVERY decision he would make...either to his face or in my mind, I didn't trust him at all. I felt completely justified in everything I was doing. I know this doesn't sound like much of a difference, but I think in my heart I finally realized that something was really wrong here and I needed to find a way to fix it before I was filing a third divorce. As we grew in Christ a lot of this slowed down but where one issue was shut down another would pop up...it was a pretty ugly cycle.

About two years ago we kind of decided that something needed to be done but we did it more with a BDSM flair than a LDD flair. I knew I was supposed to be respecting my husband, but I didn't feel respect for him. I don't exactly know how to explain how we came to this place where we are now. I would brat, he would get mad and walk out of the house and leave for an hour or more...the one thing that sends me into a panic more than anything else.... if someone is at least there fighting with me I feel safe and can keep going until I calm down. D got to the point where if we fought he would leave and I would literally have panic attacks. If I felt he was taking control of the situation somehow then I would relax a whole look quicker.

Anyway we talked about things. I did a lot of research on the internet about discipline but mostly in the genre of BDSM and we had tried that before and I hadn't worked. It didn't feel right, it didn't work, etc... It felt like a game and to us it was... you can only stay tied up and spanked so many times before you either quit or get to the point of figuring out what the real issues are. I don't say this to look down on BDSM because it really has been such a big part of our life and for some people it works as is, but for us we needed something more.

Doing more research I found LDD. I had asked D to spank me before and help me stay in control but I wouldn't let him follow through with it. I made it impossible for him to do what I had asked him to do. I was sure he thought I was weird, a kink, a little girl looking for a daddy.

After thinking about this for quite some time I finally made the decision to stop defending and justifying my crappy behavior and issues and look at them for what they really were. I didn't want a game. I wanted to respect my husband whether or not a sexual thrill accompanied it and I know that I would prefer not and so would he. I wanted help fixing the things I knew needed to be fixed.... from the fits of rage and disrespect to getting the kids to stick to their chore list every day.... I feel safe when I know he is looking out for me. I feel loved when I know that he isn't going to let me treat him the way I had been in the past... I feel loved that he loves us enough to not let us tear us apart because I can't pull myself together on some days.

I don't know if LDD is specifically defined as biblical but I know that God expects me to respect my husband regardless of the situation. I do know that we have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but I think it will be great getting there together.

So that's it so far... I hope you enjoy this. :) I love you baby.