It's only 8:30 in the morning and I feel stressed and tight inside. PMS is on her way if she doesn't already have one foot in the door.
We all went to bed early last night as the kids just came back from a vacation with their dad out of state. We all should have had plenty of sleep. When D curled up to me last night he asked if I was sure this is what I wanted, referring to LDD. I snuggled back against him and told him I was sure. I think we are both still feeling things out at this point to make sure we make as few mistakes as possible. I'm sure there will be many mistakes but we are reassuring each other that it's OK to move forward with this as we agreed.
To start the morning off I find my daughter has obligated herself to babysit for a friend of mine at our house. I work from home so the idea of having more people here after my hours are finished was really irritating for me. She is sitting for a friend and client so I felt that I should let her do it this time with a strong suggestion that next time she watch the kids in their own home. She is driving now so this is certainly the preferred option in the future.
The kids have 10 days of school left and then they will be home for the summer. I have mixed feelings about this...I love the kids and love having them around it's just hard while working at home. Now with my daughter driving I'm sure many trips over to the beach or the mall will be an option for them.
Breakfast this morning consists of dry cheerios and a bottle of water. Maybe not the most nutritious of breakfasts but it may help me drop the 12 lbs I gained back of the 50 I lost. And yet another thorn in my side this morning.
D has been promoted into a new position at work and will be working longer hours until he gets it running smoothly. Things will be a bit more strained here for a while I'm sure. He is worried about the new position but I told him they wouldn't have offered him the greater position of responsibility within the dept if they didn't think he would do a great job of it. I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. He is a spectacular police officer and a wonderful husband. I am lucky to have him.
I am not usually this stressed about things. I know when I wake up dreading work and life in general something is up. I have yet to receive a punishment spanking and do not aim to get myself into one if I can help it.
Last week I probably should have had one because there was something on my mind that needed confessing. I had received one of D's new credit card in the mail about 7-8 weeks ago...to replace one that was about to expire. I put it in my wallet instead of giving it to him. I used it twice... once to pay a bill that I let fall behind ( I didn't want him to see it come out of our bank account and realize that I'd let it go a month...fortunately not one that would report to our credit..it was our daughters orthodontist payment) and once when I took the kids to lunch. Bad decision I know. I shouldn't have held onto it. I should have given it to him immediately and instead I used it without his permission or knowledge that it ever came in the mail. So this past weekend on Saturday in particular I fretted over it all day long. We went to the movies, we came home, had dinner etc etc. I knew I had to tell him. We had agreed to this and I knew it was wrong for me not to hold up my end of the deal.
I am terrified of heights... I mean flat out terrified. My knees shake, my stomach knots, I sweat... I even cried once climbing the stairs to a really high water slide one year. That was the feeling I had about having to confess this to D. In the end I didn't have the guts to look him in eye and say it so when I went to get ready for bed I set the credit card on his desk. I'm sure I was trembling waiting for him to come to bed. He sat as the desk for a moment and then he saw it. He looked at me and my stomach fell to the floor. He stood up and went to take his belt from his pants and I'm sure the earth tipped and shifted...then he dropped the belt onto the floor. When he walked over to the bed I burst into horrible tears. His plan wasn't to spank me... he told me that because it had happened before our agreement to begin LDD that he would let it slide and not hold me accountable for things done in the past. I don't think I have ever been more relieved in my life. I was certainly expecting a spanking and a nasty one.
I do appreciate his mercy and his forgiveness in this. I know that some women would be disappointed for not being punished but I am one that was very grateful and very determined to watch my p's and q's. I am not sure if we will incorporate maintenance spanking into our relationship. It actually hasn't come up yet. I don't know how he feels about it. I am sure after he reads this post that we will have some words to discuss tonight about whether we think that is something we want to start doing.
It's time for me to get to work. I have two days of catching up to do for work accounting junk... D reminded me two nights ago before bed and I forgot to finish it that evening and forgot completely yesterday. Fortunately two days is a whole lot easier to catch up with than 6 weeks or whatever. That was rough.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
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